Skin Care 101 For Dummies: The Body Version

Hello boys! I gave you all a good talking to a bit ago on how to keep your mug looking sharp, hydrated, and peppy, and now I’m back to give you the 411 on how to keep your body looking good. While I implore you to reach your fitness goals of a six-pack—there’s nothing sexier than that and a great round bubble butt I always say—we’re not talking about fitness. I’m preaching on about taking care of the skin you’re in. Let’s get to work, shall we? Hurry along now. We’re tired of your hairy, smelly, and scaly looking skin taking up space in our beds.

 

Washing Up

 

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This is pretty basic that even the most clueless dude can get a grip on it. Just eliminate the bar soap man. This isn’t the fifties, and bar soaps dry out your skin. No one needs a scaly dude lying next to him or her. Jack Black Men’s Turbo Wash Energizing Cleanser for Hair and Body is a great body wash because guess what, it performs double-duty, which you men like. Wash your hair and body all at once! The rosemary and eucalyptus will be rather refreshing and wake you up when you’re dragging your sorry butt out of bed.

 

Scrub Off The Dead Junk

 

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Exfoliating your face is key, and your body needs it too. Be sure to pay extra attention to your legs, arms, and hands when you exfoliate off the late nights and beer-blinded hookups. Try Malin + Goetz’s Peppermint Body Scrub. Not only is it paraben-free, but also the peppermint smells good and does the job.

 

Get Slippery

 

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After you wash up and exfoliate, it’s time to hydrate. If you’re dry skinned and look like a snake’s cousin, indulge in Kiehl’s Crème De Corps. If you like your lube light, try Jack Black Cool Moisture Lotion.

 

Shave Off The Man Sweater

 

Now you don’t need to look like a fifteen year-old boy—we like you a bit hairy—but we need you to ditch the man sweater, otherwise known as the second layer of skin covering your body known as body hair. In my humble opinion, leave your leg hair and armpit hair alone. If it’s really Chewbecca-esque, just trim gently with scissors. Don’t go bare. If we wanted to go back to our puberty days, we would suggest the full bare, but we like our men like men, so trim easy boys.

 

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Back to the back? Well, like we said. Buy a sweater—don’t let your body hair become one. I recommend waxing to avoid treacherous little bastards known as ingrown-hairs, but some of you men have too much pride to suck it up and deal. If you’re not humble enough to ask for help, buy the Mangroomer: a do-it yourself shaver! I’ve witnessed men using it, and I have to say that it does the job, but you’ll still have to ask your lady friend or very kindhearted sister to help get a few of the patches you missed, unless you’ve got the arms of an octopus.

 

Polishing Up Your Gun

 

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Since most of you would laugh at the suggestion of getting a pubic hair wax, and let me tell you it’s a rather humbling experience I have had myself, I’ve got another suggestion for manning the hairs around your “gun.” Thank god for being a natural blonde. Having someone tear out the tiniest hairs in the most sensitive places feels somewhat masochistic. My suggestion for trimming around the tree?  The Mangroomer Ultimate Pro Body Groomer and Trimmer will do the job amazingly well, and all in the comfort of your filthy bathroom that makes your mother turn green when she visits.

 

For The Two Sidekicks

 

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While I’ve never owned a pair of balls, although sometimes I acted like I owned a pair or bossed around a dude to the point where he wondered, I imagine they get a bit “sweaty” during workouts and daily life. It’s hard being the little guy— trust me, I’m only 5’1. Balla Powder is supposed to keep your twins nice and dry. Apparently it comes in three formulas, and one is named “tingle.” I suggest ordering this online. This might be humiliating to purchase. This is ironic, considering this is coming from the girl who accidentally said to the guy sitting next to her on the bus after he said he had to get off fast at the next bus stop, “Oh, so you get off fast do you?” I guess I don’t embarrass easily.

 

Moral Of This Skin Story

 

Don’t neglect the dermis on your body please. You want us to sleep with you people, yet some of you are a sure distant cousin of Chewbacca or a python. Take my advice to heart: studies show that people who listen to Laura Lifshitz are more prone to getting laid, but then again, these studies are flawed. You’ll have to just take the chance and act. Stay tuned cowboys. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for more tutorials on hand and feet care, and shaving.

 

Smooches and ass-slapping,

 

Laura

 

About Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez

 

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Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez is a blonde pint-sized tour de force of wit, smiles, and neuroticism. A comedienne, writer, and former MTV personality, she will work for self-validation and chocolate. She’s always in character and believes in the power of persistence, so sometimes, she’s got to knock a man out to get his attention. To read her rantings on sex, love, parenthood, and memoir excerpts, dash over to: http://frommtvtomommy.com/. She likes to make friends with strangers.

 

Follow her @LauraLifshitz & on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lauralifshitzwriter

 

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